snapshot

Astrid woke up early and it had been pouring rain during the night and she woke a couple times and heard it and said "Nain out dere" and then early in the morning she woke up and said "My look at nain", so we went to living room window and looked out at the dark wet street. there was rushing water and cars going by with headlights on. i like that part of morning when nothing is expected of us yet- not making breakfast yet or getting dressed or ready- just surveying the new day and the slow returning of the light.

letter-like

revamping round here. less polish, more spewing. is that how you spell spewing? i didn't really make resolutions, but i wrote down some words: improvisation, experiments, rough drafts (bad drafts!) letting messes be messes and the messiness be messy.

i've struggled with this blogging thing. as in, how much do i share? how honest can i be? and the result seems to have been sort of polished. not bad but not entirely all there. so my new strategy is no strategy. dump out contents of head. add what seems to want to be added. say what i've been thinkin' and noticin', letter-like. because i always loved writing letters. and i always loved their intimate quality.

and also, because being a mom, and being kind of Done For, as i like to affectionately put it, means i just don't care as much anymore about protecting how much i open my heart. i think what i want to do here is share my process. my process of fighting for sovereignty over my life, my process of trying to stay creative and stay having-a-voice.

other words sort of new year-ish: permission, and even-though-ing ( a concept from Havi Brooks, as in, even though i don't know why, or how, or what for, i'm going to try this. or even though it may feel boring or pointless or unoriginal, i'm going to do my thing, because i want to.)

things to add to: my Dammit List. (another Havi Brooks idea)

to do with getting sovereignty back. not over, like, my kingdom, but kind of, actually, now that i think about it, over my "queendom". sovereignty over my life and my stuff i do and make and say and getting to do my thing. even though my thing is not clearly defined yet. i know the things it has to do with. and that's a start.

so yes. the Dammit List. i've been adding things slowly.

- it makes sense if it makes sense for me, Dammit.

-it's worth doing and taking the time for, even if i don't know where i'm going with it, Dammit.

-i need a lot of "rooms of my own", Dammit. this includes journals, time for daydreaming, writing, and making stuff up. area of the house which is mine, where i can indulge in pinning scraps to the walls and photos and little bits of writing like a crazed pack rat/ eccentric author in the turret of a castle. because i need to see how things connect. and i need to feel the concept of a room of my own in my life, ESPECIALLY now when i'm a mom and super busy.


so. i imagine it'll be a bit confusing here for a bit while i sort out what i'm doing here. i have a few plans, if they decide to work with me: there's this project i've been wanting to do called the Tens Project. except that i might make it the Fives Project. which has to do with doing 5 or 10 versions of a project idea. so anything from 10 photos of things in trees. to ten fireflies (drawn, painted, collaged, etc.) lots of ideas. i think it could work to sort of rush me, or not make any one thing too important. so if i aim to do 5 or 10 versions of something, it gives some freedom. to get 5 done you have to work faster and experiment more.

and there are these ideas of sections, scheduled times to write on certain subjects or in certain ways. times for Noticings and Paying Attentions.

because i figure it might help to make it have divisions like school: Math. English. Science.

only of course not like that. like there's going to be a Mess Photo section. because we have lots of them round here lately. and a Questions section. which might be different from the Truth Effort section. or not?

and there should be some kind of nature section, because i liked watching my amaryllis grow (even though it fell off the mantle and smashed when it was in full bloom) and i liked planting seeds and watching them become things like cucumbers and peas and beans, and i liked how the first year no hollyhocks came up and then the next year lots did when we didn't even live there anymore. and then there was that youtube thing per sent me of a drop of water falling onto the surface of water and bouncing until it got small enough to blend in. so definitely a nature section of some kind. because i can already picture that picture of a wolf holding a feather in its mouth in it.

obviously i've got some splainin' to do. no being vague. and i think i can splain. over a hundred days or so.