What dreary weather today. Ice pellets, wind, and grey.

Have been in all day with Astrid, who is now asleep on my chest in the carrier. Staying close to the woodstove and to the opposite of outside: warm yellow lamplight.

The last days of January always seem to pass in a blur of insignificance. Days less focused on than those of the busy cosy rush of December. Nowhere near spring yet, in fact, winter is just settling in.

What do I want this winter to be? This year?

Of course in a way it is laid out for me: love and care for my new little daughter. That is my most important plan for the coming months. It's an occupation I find thrilling and fascinating, and one that gives me immense joy. I want to spends lots of time writing about her, reading to her, playing with her, walking with her, talking to her. I want to be with her in the present of each day and enjoy her I want to fully experience and explore what it is to be a mother, and I want to redefine myself to include this new role without excluding myself and my creative development.

But even though she is just two months old, I feel the need to keep sight of myself by doing something else as well. Small things: writing a few words, making some little messy collages, keeping on with jotting down ideas and striving to work along on "making visible" my ideas.

What I hope for this year are the same things I've wanted for awhile:

-CLARITY in terms of what I most want to spend my time and energy doing (besides being a Mamma). I want to be able to visualize what I want to do. Is it writing? Making things and collage, silkscreening, sewing? How can I know what is most important to me in terms of what I want to accomplish and how I want to spend my days? What I feel my work should be?

-COURAGE to try my ideas for books and projects rather than talk about them. I am so sick of always talking about but never doing. Courage to allow myself to experiment and play creatively without thinking about financial appropriateness/payback.

-A better WORK ETHIC when it comes to my own projects, not just jobs for money.

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